Friday, December 1, 2017

Perseverance

     I know it has been a long time since I have posted, but a lot has happened these past few months. If I would have posted shortly after my last post, I would have told about how I decided I needed to drop down. I wanted to do a big feis that has a lot of adult competitors in August (and it is usually pretty fun, too), but then I hoped to drop down in the fall. I was getting resentful of the adults who were in "and-overs" and got frustrated when there were only a couple of adult competitors. I didn't want to suck the joy out of competition for my friends and competitors who enjoy the adult division. It is the right choice for some people, but for me, it wasn't where I wanted to be. I didn't think it was fair to the other adults for me to continue to compete if I was going to be a grump when less than 5 people signed up. So I made the decision that I either needed to drop down or quit competing.
      However, in the meantime, a potentially life-altering event happened to my family. My dear toddler son developed transverse myelitis overnight. It's an autoimmune inflammation of the myelin coating of the spinal cord, and he went from running up and down the hallway one night, to losing the use of his legs the next day. My previously-active boy was reduced to using his arms to drag his lower body across the floor. When we got the diagnosis, we were told that the odds of recovery were 1 in 3 for a full recovery, 1 in 3 for some improvement, and there was a 1 in 3 chance he would be in a wheelchair the rest of his life. I didn't want to dance anymore...the joy was sucked out of me as I wondered if my little boy would ever be able to kick his feet again. The first course of treatment, 5 days of IV steroids, produced minimal results. They started talking about him needing inpatient rehab, but first they wanted to try 5 sessions of plasma transfer, which would be done through a central line catheter every other day. What followed next was somewhat miraculous. After each plasma transfer, he got more and more mobility. As soon as I saw him able to bend his knees again, I thought about how Irish dance might be good therapy for him to work on fine motor skills of his feet and ankles. I imagined dancing in the parent-child competition someday and not caring how we did, knowing it would just be a victory to get up there. After about 15 days in the hospital, he was discharged, and after two months of outpatient therapy, he seems to be a normal toddler, but my perspective has definitely changed.
     Suddenly I realized that sometimes the true victory really is just getting up there. Sometimes your best might not be good enough to place, but that is okay, as long as you gave it your best. I don't want to take for granted my ability to get up there and dance. I had the chance to put this newfound perspective into action later in the summer. Remember that big feis I was talking about? Initially, I wanted to place 1st or 2nd in all my competitions. However, I got a shoulder overuse injury, and that, combined with a nagging ab/rib injury, and anxiety from all the stress I was under as my kiddo was recouperating, meant I was not feeling my best on competition day. I almost pulled out of the feis, but made myself do it since I had already paid the entry fee. I didn't do my best, but I did the best that I could that day, and even managed to take home some bling in my hardshoe! But in the weeks that followed, I got a hurtful e-mail from one of my feis friends. And I found out we would be moving again, thanks to my husband's job.
     Then my dropping-down plans were derailed, but for a good reason. My school decided to field adult ceili teams for Oireachtas for the first time in 9 years. My husband's new position wouldn't start until after the O, so I made plans for my first Oireachtas! I had a new plan: focus on traditional set and ceilis so my upper-body injuries would heal, and I would be ready to drop down after the move.
     I did 2 feisanna in the lead-up to Oireachtas. At the first one, I only did teams, because there were not a lot of adult competitors in the other dances, and I knew I wouldn't be happy competing solos. At the second one, I didn't do as well as I had hoped in some of my solos, but according to plan, my focus was on the O dances. At that feis, I got first in trad set in what was perhaps tied for my biggest Irish dance competition to date! One ceili team got 1st and another 2nd.
     I went into the Oireachtas feeling good. I was a little timid on my trad set, and was mad at myself for a couple of little things, but I was confident I recalled...until the recall list went up without my name on it. I was so frustrated, but I tried to keep everything in perspective. It is just a dance contest. I hope to be back next year, but in the 15 and over category. For now, I shift my focus to teams, and I persevere.